Author Archives: Melissa Williams

Count to Ten

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Parenting is not without frustrations. Just the other night I wanted to cry because I was so tired and my poor baby just kept crying and crying. I’ve definitely had more than my fair share of those nights since she was born. I have always had chronic fatigue, so when I don’t get sleep, it really gets to me. In fact, I haven’t slept through the night in over a year now. But anyways, I get so frustrated with her that she won’t just go to sleep. She is literally crying because she is tired but she wont just lie down and close her eyes.

It’s not her fault. Afterall, she is a baby. She is still learning to put herself to sleep. And more than anything, she needs her mom. How can I be mad about that? Whenever I find myself getting angry or frustrated because she won’t cooperate, I take a deep breath and count to 10. Babies can sense your emotions, and she definitely knows when I’m not having it. But my frustration and anger isn’t going to soothe her to sleep anytime soon. So I count to 10, put a smile on my face and rock my baby until she is calm.

It’s okay to feel frustrated, and defeated, and even angry. But remember not to take it out on your baby! I have held her while I cried from lack of sleep, or because I just had no clue how to make her stop crying. Sometimes, on the really rough nights, I put her back in her crib where I know she is safe and walk away for a minute.

Take time to collect yourself. It’s the same idea of put your oxygen mask on first. Help yourself before you can help others. Now I’m not saying go take a long bath and neglect your baby. But it’s okay to take a second to recollect yourself so you can refocus on helping them.

You know what else is okay? Asking for help.

Seriously, I don’t know what I would do without my mother. I have never been more thankful to have her help. She is a morning person and will be awake at 4am every morning naturally, and there were definitely days I would walk downstairs so exhausted from a long night and she will take my daughter for a few hours just so I can get some sleep. I have ALWAYS had a hard time asking for help. I am usually so determined to do things on my own, but raising a child is hard. That’s why they say it takes a village.

Even asking someone to watch her for a few minutes so I could take a hot shower for the first time in a week. The first hot meal I was able to make for myself was like heaven on a plate. I would not have been able to adjust to mom life without the help I was given, or more importantly the help I asked for.

We want to believe we can do it all and be super mom, but after all, we are human and there is no manual in how to raise an infant. So, don’t be afraid to ask for help, count to 10 when you’re at your wits end and you need a reset.

You can do this.

Don’t forget to breathe.

Sharing is not Caring

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There are plenty of rules we try to teach our children. Say “Please” and “Thank You”, eat your vegetables, don’t throw toys at people, no hitting, etc. But there are some rules that we need to be more conscious about teaching. Specifically, I’d like to address sharing. Obviously we want to teach our kids to be kind, and sharing their toys is the kind thing to do. But I don’t necessarily agree that I should be telling my daughter to always share.

I don’t want to teach my daughter that her wants and needs must always come second to that of others.

My daughter is 1 year old right now, so playing with others is mostly just playing alongside others. She doesn’t understand sharing or even playing with another person. Right now her focus is “That’s the toy I want to play with, so I’m going to play with it”. Essentially, this is my need and I’m going to meet it. But someday she will play with a toy and another child will come up and want to play with it too. Do I tell her she has to play with this other child just because it’s what they want? What about what she wants? This is where it’s important to help them make decisions.

Does she want to continue playing with the toy alone? That’s okay. There is nothing wrong with that, and she doesn’t have to share her toy if she doesn’t want to. But would she like to include the other child and play WITH them? Then yes, that is a good time to share.

I want to emphasize to her that sharing is about including other people, but it is HER choice.

It’s really important to me that I teach her to value her choices. I don’t want her to ever feel like her opinion is less important than anyone else’s. Someday she will become a teenager, and it breaks my heart thinking that maybe she would be peer pressured to do something she wasn’t ready for because she told herself that her opinion didn’t matter.

Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. There are years between for her to learn good decision making. But as a young child, I want her to know that her opinions matter. And we can talk about why she made that decision. So she didn’t want to share her toy. Why? She was playing with it, okay, that’s an okay reason. But on the other side of it, she needs to understand that sometimes other kids won’t share with her for the same reason, and that’s okay too. They may be young, and they may need help making decisions, but we shouldn’t take away that opportunity from them by telling them they HAVE to share. I never want my daughter to second guess her worth because she was always taught she had to put aside her wants to be polite. Being kind to others does not mean being unkind to yourself.

Help Yourself First

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I know, this sounds selfish. Especially when you’re a single mom who is the sole provider for your toddler. But honestly, I can’t help her if I’m not okay.

It is incredibly important to be aware of your mental and emotional health. Especially as a parent. Maybe my daughter can’t understand what depression or anxiety are, but she sure can tell if Mom is crying or doesn’t have the energy to play with her.

Some days, crying is all I want to do. Everything is going wrong, I feel like everyone is mad at me, and I’m just ready to give up and be done with it all. But then I look down and see this tiny smiling face reaching up for me. Every time I look at my daughter, I think about how I am her world. I don’t just owe it to her to make sure I take care of her, but I owe it to her to make sure I take care of me, so I CAN take care of her.

So how do we do that? Well, therapy is a great option. The problem is, I really don’t have time to go see a therapist. Plus, my anxiety tells me not to bug my friends for every little woe. It is important to not let emotions boil up because you don’t want to end up exploding on someone you care about, especially a child who can’t understand what’s happening. So my saving grace, is my little black book.

Journaling is a great way to get it all out. It’s like talking to someone who is only going to listen. And the best part, is you get to read it back and be the listener as well. This is a great way to reflect on your day and how you perceive things. More importantly, how you talk about yourself. On my bad days, I will write some harsh, mean things about myself. Then I go back and reflect. Do I want my daughter to know I talk to myself this way? Would I ever allow her to talk to someone else like this? Absolutely not.

Writing down my frustrations gives me a safe space to let go of all the negative emotions and anger I experience in a day, so I don’t take them out on someone else. More importantly, I don’t bottle them up and mis-direct them to an innocent bystander.

If writing isn’t your thing, find a way to let out those emotions. Crying isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes all you need is a good cry to feel refreshed. Belt out a song in your car, dance your heart out, even just letting out a scream in a pillow can help release those emotions. Let out the negative energy so you can focus on creating more positive energy. That’s how we can help our kids. Creating a positive space for them.

Start with a Stretch

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I have never liked going to the gym. Or exercising even. But sometimes I like to go for walks or a swim. But it’s not so easy to take the time to do that when I have a 1 year old who just wants to play. As busy parents, it’s important to remember that we set an example for our kids. Do they see you sitting on the couch all day when you get home from work? Do they see you living off of fast food and TV dinners? I get being a working parent is exhausting. I often don’t have the energy to want to cook a fancy meal, let alone think of exercise at any point in the day. But that doesn’t mean I am not conscious of how I treat my body.

I am not a fitness mom by any means. But do you think about the amount of times you have to pick up toys off the floor, or lift a laundry basket, or even carry a child. ALL of these things require you to utilize your body, so make them work for you. Do some squats to pick up that toy, lunge up the stairs with that laundry basket. When you incorporate exercise into your everyday activities, it really doesn’t seem like exercise at all. But you’re being aware of how you’re moving your body and focusing on the muscles you use every day.

I always longed to be able to fit some fitness in my daily routine, but I’ll be honest, I can go a whole day and then go “Darn it! I forgot.” Sometimes you have to take the time to do something because there’s just so many other things you have to think about throughout the day. But I certainly didn’t have time to make it to the gym, or dedicate to a fitness program. So I started with stretches. Really, this is the core of yoga. I certainly can’t do any fancy balances or contort my body any crazy way, but I start my day by focusing on stretching my body and waking up my muscles. And I’ll tell ya, it’s a lot more refreshing than a cup of coffee. I feel more energized and loose, ready to tackle the challenges of the day. The best part, is that with each day I continue to stretch, I find that I’m becoming more flexible. I can stretch a little further, balance a little better. I may not bulk up anytime soon, but at least I am giving my body the time and attention it needs to keep going. More importantly, I’m preparing my body to be able to keep up with my kid.

A Makeshift Meditation

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There is always a million things to do in an average day, especially with a child. Parents getting ready in the morning always have ten thousand thoughts of what needs to be accomplished in a day. Often times, parents feel exhausted and burnt out by the end of the day, when their to-do list looks less productive than they anticipated.

That’s okay.

I have had a running to-do list for months now, but at least the important stuff is getting accomplished and I’ve taken time for myself. I always dreamed I would be the mom who can fit in some meditation, read a book, journal every night. But the reality is, I just don’t have time for all that. On top of going to work, attending school, and being a single mom. I don’t always have time to dedicate to myself. That doesn’t mean that I don’t make time for self-care though.

Self-care never looks the same for every person, and it shouldn’t. Self-care isn’t just being able to sit and watch the football game, or taking a long bubble bath with candles and bath bombs. Sometimes it’s being able to take a nice, hot, uninterrupted shower. Self-care can be anything that helps you calm your mind from the busy day.

If meditation sounds like the right thing for you, but you can’t imagine your kids allowing you 15 minutes of quiet and stillness, that’s okay. I find that the perfect time for meditation is right before I go to bed. Meditation does not have to look like a fancy yoga mat, incense filling the air, and the soft sound of Tibetan singing bowls in the background. If you can manage that setup, I envy you, but it’s just not practical for me. What is practical, is white noise playing on my phone quietly, and me snuggled up in my comforter in my pjs. Just before I go to bed, I take time to clear my mind of the day. A few deep breaths and focusing on releasing tension from each part of my body, starting from my toes all the way to the top of my head. If you can, throw in some “Om”s. Feel the vibration of your body as the sound escapes your lips. Take some slow deep breaths. Focus on the feel of the air entering your lungs, filling them up, and then releasing the air slowly. Sometimes I fall asleep, but that’s okay. I took some time to let go of the day before the next one begins.

If bedtime isn’t a good time for you, even taking a second while you’re waiting in line at the grocery store, close your eyes, take a couple deep breaths and focus on releasing the tension in your body. You may be surprised at how much you carry in your shoulders and your fists unknowingly.

Meditation is about taking the time to slow down. Acknowledge the breaths you take and let go of some of the tension. Take a deep breath and count to 10. Even if that 10 seconds is all the time you have for yourself today, its 10 seconds more than you gave yourself yesterday.